Two Different Utterly Ridiculous Ways the Airline-Powers-That-Be Are Trying To Ruin Your Life

1. On June 1^st, the news finally broke: The TSA is terrible. According to ABC News, “An internal investigation of the Transportation Security Administration revealed security failures at dozens of the nation’s busiest airports, where undercover investigators were able to smuggle mock explosives or banned weapons through checkpoints in 95 percent of trials.” They had an overwhelming, and all too unsurprising, success rate of five percent. The same internal investigation concluded that despite the $551 million dollars that were spent on new screening technology and staff training since 2009, the TSA failed to make any recognizable improvements.

But don’t worry. They just came out swingin’.

House Homeland Security Chairman Mike McCaul (R-Texas) said, “In light of the 96 percent failure, they’re probably going to slow things down.”

Homeland Security is ordering that the TSA implement more bomb sniffing dogs, testing more luggage and travelers for traces of bombs and hand-wanding of more passengers. They are also less likely to send travelers through Pre-Check. This means longer lines and even more frustration during your travels. While their heart is definitely in the right place, travelers and TSA agents alike should being asking: did $551 million dollars and countless hours really only get us a safety success rating of 5%? What went so terribly wrong?

1. This next life ruining event is purely theoretical right now. Recently, Zodiac Seats France, a subsidiary of Zodiac Aerospace, submitted a patent for a Kafka-esque, grimly utilitarian nightmare of a seating arrangement. In short, the idea is to take the middle seat (by the far the worst seat in the row) and flip it 180⁰. They claim this will maximize cabin density. Everyone else claims this will maximize awkward eye contact and rage-induced migraines.

To make things even more terrible, the patent continues to say, “To further enhance the personal space of each passenger, the adjacent seats may share opposing portions of an armrest … with the angled configuration, there is less likelihood that the arms of passengers seated in the adjacent seats will contact or interfere with each other.” So, not only do you get to share the mind-numbing experience of staring into a strangers eyes for hours on end, instead of your personal TV screen, you can share your neighbor’s arm sweat.

Reaction to this seating monstrosity has been swift and volatile. The words “evil” and “haunting” have been rightly used. A Mic.com article described this arrangement as “The Human Centipede of plane seats”.

Don’t worry, guys. This is still in the patent process. They would still have to go through rigorous testing. Passengers would have to be able to safely evacuate and the seats would have to withstand 16g forces in the face of a crash. So here’s to hoping this idea fails miserably.